HuecoSeireitei Times Advice Column
by Demonic-Kat
Summary: We arrancars and Shinigami are being forced to create an advice column for all you readers out there.  Feel free to send in questions, we get two new guests every issue, and it's worth it to see the Hollows/Captains squirm. Hehehehe. -Chief Editor N
1. Chapter 1, Tesla and Kira

Hello readers! I'm Chief Editor N, and this is the new Advice Column in the Hueco-Seireitei Times! We were forced, I mean asked to make this column to help the arrancars and soul reapers and to support unity between them. So, today we have a few questions from our staff, the rest of them are up to you, so send in some questions or I'll send Gin after you! Wait, I'm not allowed to threaten them? Ah… I strongly suggest you send in questions, for your own safety. What? That wasn't a threat, it was a suggestion!

Anyways, today we have managed to recruit Tesla Lindocruz and Kira Izuru to answer some questions today!

* * *

**How do you deal with your superiors? -Terrified Rookie**

With Captain Ichimaru, I found it easiest to simply supervise him to make sure he got his work done. It also helps if you know your superiors favorite objects and hang outs, I often found it necessary to bribe Captain Ichimaru with dried persimmons to have him complete his work. -Kira

I find it best to stay out of their way and simply let them do as they wish. When I interfere with Nnoitra-Sama, he tends to beat me up or yell at me. It works best to stay out of things and simply clean up the mess afterwards. -Tesla

* * *

**Why do you put up with your Espada/Captain? -Confused Lieutenant **

I actually get along rather well with Captain Ichimaru, he's actually rather decent if he likes you, and his pranks are very inventive. I consider him more of a friend than a superior officer truth be told. -Kira

Nnoitra-Sama allowed me to roam with him when we were hollows, and I owe him a great deal. Without him it's likely that I would've been eaten. I have grown used to him and I am fond of my superior. It makes me very happy that I can help him. -Tesla

* * *

**What's the worst prank your Espada/Captain ever pulled on you? -Needing Ideas**

Well, there are too many pranks to count, but one of the worst was when Captain Ichimaru hid a cat in my desk and trained it to follow me around. He also taught it to maul all other Captains. It was terrible when I had to go see Head Captain Yamamoto… Poor cat… -Kira

Once, Nnoitra-Sama tricked me into going to Szayel-Sama's laboratory for a check up. He tried to make me sample his Fraccion, and tell him what they tasted like. Luckily Harribel-Sama was passing by and saved me. -Tesla

* * *

**Do Espada have to do paperwork? Is it difficult? -Drowning in papers**

Well papers, I don't know about Espada but I know the Gotei Thirteen all have to do paperwork. I swear there are forms for anything and everything, I once had to sign a paper that increased our squad's drinking budget. Captain Ichimaru asks for the strangest things sometimes… -Kira

Yes, we also have to do paperwork. Of course, our work is minimal, and I do all of Nnoitra's paperwork for him, along with my own. It doesn't require much effort, though I have heard that Szayel-Sama has a horrible amount of paperwork to fill in for his research. -Tesla

* * *

**What do you think of the Captains/Espada you work with? -Curious Squad Four Member**

I suppose I can make a list.

Captain Yamamoto: He's a very respectable leader who knows how to get things done.

Captain Soi-Fon: She's very serious, but she always looks out for her squad. She's very good at solving mysteries.

Captain Ichimaru: My Captain is a handful, but he's very fun. I don't know why everyone thinks he's so creepy.

Captain Unohana: She's very motherly, and a remarkable healer. She's able to stay calm in all sorts of situations.

Captain Aizen: I've heard good things about him from Lieutenant Hinamori, but I haven't talked to him much. Perhaps that's a good thing, considering the whole traitor incident…

Captain Kuchiki: Very regal, come from a family of nobles. He keeps Renji in line.

Captain Komamura: I wonder why he always wears that helmet…

Captain Kyoraku: Perhaps he should drink a little less? Just a suggestion Captain.

Captain Tousen: I don't know him well. I do know he's blind.

Captain Hitsugaia: Apparently it snows when he sleeps. Who knew?

Captain Zaraki: I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT YOU! NOT EVER! PLEASE STOP ASKING SIR!

Captain Kurotsuchi: I will never wander near his labs again. I saw… Unspeakable things…

Captain Ukitake: He's very kind! He's always looking out for everyone, even though he's ill!

I hope that covers it. -Kira

My turn then?

Starrk-Sama: He sleeps most of the time.

Baraggan-Sama: He has… A unique taste in Fraccion..

Harribel-Sama: She's very kind to us Fraccion.

Ulquiorra-Sama: Is generally quiet and emotionless. He keeps Grimmjow in line.

Nnoitra-sama: He is very strong and determined. Nothing can stop him.

Grimmjow-Sama: His Fraccion really look up to him. I've heard he treats them well.

Zommari-Sama: He's one of the mellower Espada, and enjoys meditation.

Szayel-Sama: Scary as hell. I try to avoid his laboratory at all costs.

Aaroniero-Sama: He likes the dark. He needs it to shape shift.

Yammy-Sama: He eats a lot.

That would be all of them. -Tesla

* * *

**Captain Zaraki and Grimmjow keep trying to fight me! Know any good hiding spots! -Totally not a strawberry**

Well, Strawberry, I find that hiding in their own division/building usually keeps you safe. I mean, they don't expect to find you there. It's hiding in plain sight. -Kira

There are several abandoned buildings in Hueco Mundo, and I'm sure the Privaron Espada would be happy to help keep you safe. They really aren't fond of current Espada or Shinigami anyway. -Tesla

* * *

**Do you like the world of the living? -Traveler**

It's alright. I find it rather confusing, not to mention filled with danger for those with no experience. -Kira

I've only been there occasionally, to buy things for Nnoitra-Sama. I find the people there to be generally kind, and the food to be tasteful. -Tesla

* * *

Well that's it for this issue, so send in some questions so we staff don't have to make them all up! It's hard work you know!

Next time we'll have Yumichika Asegawa and Tia Harribel! Feel free to request for us to kidnap, I mean… Well, consider it surprise adoption! Yeah, to surprise adopt someone for the day to answer your questions! Ta!


	2. Chapter 2, Yumichika and Tia

Hello everyone! This is Chief Editor N, back with another issue of the Seireitei Advice Column! We're still starting out, but we're already pretty popular. A few staff members had to make some new questions, but luckily we cornered some Numero's and Soul Reapers and got them to give us some questions too!

Anyways, let's get right to it. Today we have Yumichika Asegawa and Tia Harribel with us today! Oddly enough, they both volunteered to do the questions today. Oh well, whatever gets people to answer questions!

* * *

**You both are really pretty, how do you deal with people trying to hit on you? -Running from Captain Kyoraku**

Well, I usually find a few kicks or a well placed Cero does the trick. It helps that I'm the third Espada, not many people try anything. Well, except Nnoitra, but once again I refer to using Ceros. -Tia

Threatening to sick Ikakku on them usually does the trick. Of course, I also love a good fight, so if anyone's to persistent then I suggest just jumping in and having a blast kicking them while they're down. -Yumichika

* * *

**Lady Harribel, how do you stay so tan? There's only a moon in Hueco Mundo after all. -Tired of being pale**

My skin is just naturally this color. Always has been. -Tia

If you're in need of some tanning tips, I suggest going to the world of the living. They have several popular beaches and they even have tanning salons to tan you with artificial lights or sprays. -Yumichika

* * *

**Did you always wear those feathers Yumichika? -Scared of birds**

I've wondered about that. -Tia

No, not always. I started to wear them when I joined the eleventh squad with Ikakku. They're very pretty don't you think? -Yumichika

* * *

**Who is your best friend? -Besties**

I don't understand the 'best friend' terminology. I have several friends, it would be unfair to choose. Of course, among my friends are my Fraccion, Chief Editor N, Stark, and Lilynette. -Tia

Ikkaku is my best friend, and he always has been. We actually decided to join squad eleven and become soul reapers together after challenging Captain Zaraki to a fight in the Rukongai. -Yumichika

* * *

**Do you like to fight? -Wondering Reaper**

No. I don't like to involve myself or my Fraccion in fighting unless I am challenged to a fight or ordered to fight by a superior. I find it better tactically to watch the fight and observe your opponents instead, that way, if the time to fight comes, you'll be prepared. -Tia

I'm in squad eleven you imbicile, of course I love to fight. What an amazingly unbeautiful question. -Yumichika

* * *

**Who is your favorite Captain/Espada? -Loves Authority**

My favorite Espada is Stark. He's quiet and a rather good listener. Sometimes I have my Fraccion watch Lilynette for him to give him a break, or I watch her myself. She's rather interesting. -Tia

Captain Zaraki of course! He's obviously the best Captain there is, not to mention the strongest! -Yumichika

* * *

**How do you eat Harribel-Sama? -Numero 321**

My mask can open and close, just like my mouth. It's connected to my jaw bones. -Tia

That makes sense. -Yumichika

* * *

**How do you keep your hair so nice? -Loves Hair**

I use conditioner regularly, along with several other hair treatments that my Fraccion use on me when they're bored. -Tia

I always wash my hair twice, and then condition it with plum blossom extract among other things. Then sometimes I treat myself to the occasional hot oil treatment as well. I never use gel on it, because it's far too sticky, and my hair is naturally straight and rarely breaks. -Yumichika

* * *

**What's your favorite holiday?**

I like Saint Patricks Day. It's rather fun to watch the other arrancars get sloshed and take pictures for later use. -Tia

My favorite holiday would obviously be Valentines Day. Everyone dresses up that day for their loved one, and they usually look quite a bit more beautiful than usual. Anything that helps beauty along is fantastic. -Yumichika

* * *

**Uhm… Who are you Editor N? -Curious Paper Staff**

Me? Well, I can't tell you. I'm Editor N for a reason after all. To give you a hint though, my name doesn't actually start with N. -Chief Editor N

* * *

**N, are you a guy or a girl? -Wants to Know**

I'm a girl. That's all I can really say though. -Chief Editor N

* * *

So, that's it for this paper. It was actually a pretty good issue. So, to alert you all of something, I am not going to tell you who I am for quite a while, I might give hints, but that's it folks! Oh yeah! Lilynette and Yachiru will be our guests next time! _For the love of everything __DO NOT GIVE THEM SUGAR!_


	3. Chapter 3, Yachiru and Lilynette

Everyone, here's issue three! I'm so glad we actually got some questions and requests for the article! You should know you've saved several Numero's from being tackle-glomped by me for questions, so way to go!

Oh, and I am pleased to introduce one of the other staff members, Editor J, who will also be revealed in time. She helped me with a lot of these questions, so great job Editor J! Now, onto our latest questions! Today we have Lilynette Gingerback and Yachiru Kusajishi!

* * *

**Is that your natural hair color? -AizenImposter**

Yep! It's cute right? I looks like candy, and pink paint, and bubble gum, and… [this was cut down from four pages] so, pretty cool right! -Yachiru

This is my natural color~ Most arrancar have odd colors for hair now that I think about it… Grimm-kitty too! -Lilynette

There's an Aizen Imposter! -Chief Editor N

* * *

**Does Byakuya/Starrk every give you a piggy-back ride? -T**

I mainly jump on his back, but then he says something like, "Luitenant Kusajishi, I am not your Captain, please stop attempting to ride on my back and do my hair." I don't think he minds too much though, because he still plays with me. -Yachiru

I wish! Starrk's so lazy! He needs to get up! Maybe Kenny'll give me a ride too… -Lilynette

* * *

**Yachiru, what are some of your nicknames for Ikakku? -No names**

I have lots of names for him! My favorites are Baldy, Pachinko-head, Cue ball and Chrome Dome~! Good right? -Yachiru

Oooh! You should call him Egg-head too! -Lilynette

* * *

**Lilynette, do you speak Spanish? -Soul Society Bi-lingual leauge**

Do you? -Yachiru

Nope, just English and Japanese. Aizen-sama speaks thirteen different languages though. -Lilynette

I speak Japanese and English. So does Editor J. -Chief Editor N

* * *

**What would happen in Kenpachi fought you? -Yumichika**

I don't think that's possible. Sorry Yumi! -Yachiru

* * *

**Chairman! Would you come to the meeting already! -Soul Society Woman's Association**

Oh! Alright, as long as you have more candy! I love the candies at the meetings! -Yachiru

They buy you candy? Can I come too? -Lilynette

* * *

**Why doesn't Kenny ever attack ya' anyway Yachiru-chan? -Gin Ichimaru**

He likes me of course, so he wouldn't attack me! I can have him fight you though if you want! -Yachiru

* * *

**Lilynette, what would you do with a pogo-stick? -Jumping Kangaroo**

Oooh! Bya-chan had one once! He let me play with it until I hopped around his calligraphy class and ruined all the inks. Oopsie! -Yachiru

I would use it to wake up Starrk of course! I bet he wouldn't see that coming! -Lilynette

* * *

**What's your favorite food? -Inoue**

Orihime-chan! My favorite food is candy of course! Lots of candy! -Yachiru

I like steak! Maybe it's a coyote thing? Starrk eats it a lot too! -Lilynette

* * *

**What's your favorite part of Valentines Day? -Love is Grand**

Candy! -Yachiru, Lilynette & Chief Editor N

I would say making cards for my family is fun. -Editor J

* * *

**What's your favorite weather? -Meteorologist-san**

I like… Sunshine! I can see Ken-chan's fights a lot better that way! -Yachiru

I guess clear skys? It's always clear or cloudy in Hueco Mundo, so I really don't have much to go off of. -Lilynette

I LOVE SNOW! It's so white and cold and fluffy! -Chief Editor N

I like partial sunlight. -Editor J

* * *

**Lieutenant Yachiru, what is your obsession with Kuchki Byakuya? And Lilynette, don't you think your behavior around Stark is a little inappropriate? -Sakura blossems rule.**

He's fun! His sword makes flowers and he gives me candy and food! -Yachiru

Nope. -Lilynette

Well, at least we know it's not Byakuya, you spelled blossom wrong. Somehow that's reliving. -Chief Editor N

* * *

**Editors, what are your favorite colors? -Totally not a quincy**

Purple! -Chief Editor N

I prefer red. -Editor J

* * *

**What character's are you editors most like? -Wonders**

I'm like Yachiru! Just taller, so watch out! I also love piggy-back rides! -Chief Editor N

Probably… Nanao. -Editor J

* * *

**Who else works on the articles? -Paper Crazy**

The staff? Well, I do of course, and so does Editor J. Nanao helps out a lot too. -Chief Editor N

* * *

**Editor J, how do you deal with Editor N? Is she spazzy? -Wants to join the paper**

First of all, yes, she's crazy! Do not give her sugar! I mostly just sit back and let things happen. -Editor J

* * *

So that's all for this issue. Geeze, lots of questions about the paper staff. I feel loved! Oh yeah, and because it was requested, next time we're having Soi Fon and Ggio Vega! Ggio's a pretty good friend, but Soi Fon'll be hard to get here, so be grateful! I demand gratitude!

Ow… You didn't have to hit me J. Well, bringing you more advice soon, so see you soon!


	4. Chapter 4, Ggio and Soi Fon

**Heya everyone! This is Chief Editor N back with another issue of the Hueco-Seireitei Times Advice Column! Sorry it's a bit late this week, there was an incident with Bya- Er, Captain Kuchiki involving Ichigo, Rukia, Renji, Soi Fon, and Senbonzakura. Scary…. Anyways, today we have Soi-Fon and Ggio Vega with us to answer your questions!**

**

* * *

**

**Soifon and Ggio how do you both feel about people said that both of you make a great couple? -Lones**

Well, we are both speedy, like ninja's and all. I honestly don't mind much. Now that both of our leaders are getting along. Plus, I'd rather be dating her than some pansy, she's tough and feisty, not to mention fast. -Ggio

I can't stand hollows. Arrancars are a bit different, but it would go against my morals and beliefs to date one. -Soi Fon

* * *

**Soi Fon, are you perhaps interested in any current members of the soul society? -Sakura Blossoms Rule**

Oh, somehow I find that hard to think about. She's so strict and stubborn! Maybe that other captain though…? He seemed pretty do things by the book too… -Ggio

I refuse to tell you. Ggio, stop insinuating that I am in a relationship with Captain Kuchiki. We're just co-workers. -Soi Fon

* * *

**Ggio Vega, did former captain Ichimaru ever pull any pranks on you? -Sakura Blossoms Rule**

He pulls pranks on all of us, though I think he picks on Grimmjow the most. He did leave catnip in my room one day though, and spent an entire meeting throwing balls of yarn at me. What is his deal with cat releases anyway! -Ggio

Oh well, better the Arrancars than us. -Soi Fon

* * *

**Soi Fon, are you a ninja? -Curious Punishment Squad Member**

She is, I swear to Aizen. -Ggio

I am not a ninja, I'm just adept at assasinations and am the leader of the steal force. Also, ninja's don't have Zanpaktous. So, I am clearly not a ninja. -Soi Fon

She totally is. Even her Zanpaktou agrees, and it kills people in two hits! Seriously! -Chief Editor N

* * *

**Ggio, can I glomp you? You're super adorable. -Kitty Luver**

Uh… No? Sorry, don't think you could catch me anyways. -Ggio

Good luck with that. Of course, I wouldn't mind hugging Yoroichi-Sama either… I'll help you out if you need me. You can find me in the squad two offices. -Soi Fon

I wanna hug you too Ggio! -Chief Editor N

* * *

**Has Szayel/Kurotsuchi experimented on either of you? -I wonder why**

Almost. He tried to turn me into an actual cat, but luckily Harribel-Sama's fraccion, Sun-Sun was passing by and tackled him. She's waaaay stronger than she looks! -Ggio

He's tried. Apparently he wanted some 'essence of ninja' whatever that's supposed to mean. -Soi Fon

I want some of that too… Hm. -Chief Editor N

* * *

**Soi Fon, teach me how to be strong like you! -Weak and Worried**

I personally think she would rather use you for target practice. Good luck though. -Ggio

I hold self-defense classes every Tuesday in my squad training grounds. It's free, and you are welcome to join us. -Soi Fon

I actually go to those, now I can judo-throw Shinsui. It was hilarious. -Chief Editor N

* * *

**Can all arrancars use their release forms anywhere?**

No. All Espada rank three and up are not allowed to release in Los Noches or Soul Society, as it would cause major damage. -Ggio

* * *

**Soi Fon, can you turn into a cat too? -Curious Kitty**

Technically my release form can. -Ggio

No, no I can't. Yoroichi can though, ask her instead. -Soi Fon

* * *

**Chief Editor N, you spelled relieving wrong. (I didn't really want to point that out, but I had to overcome the shame of spelling blossoms wrong.) -Sakura BLOSSOMS rule**

OH MY GOSH! I'm so embarrassed! It's really epic that you caught that though, want to join the paper by any chance? I rather like you're attitude! -Chief Editor N

* * *

**That's it everyone, thanks for reading! Next time we'll have Rukia Kuchiki and Gin Ichimaru to answer your questions! Why them at the same time? Because Gin scared the hell out of Rukia and it's hilarious!**


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